There’s a woman in my building who talks on her cell phone in the bathroom.

She does this every day at least 3-4 times a day.

When she talks on her cell phone, she doesn’t shoot the breeze (“Did you hear that the Giants won the World Series?” “Get outta town you silly twit!”) she has full on, level 12, “oh no he didn’t” esque conversations. Since I started working fulltime two months ago, I’ve learned way too much about her personal life and am considering using it in one of the many New York Times bestsellers that I’ll write.

Her life has all the makings of a harlequin page turner:

      1) She and her boyfriend are having problems.

     2) She can’t get him to open up about what’s bothering him.

     3) He has mental issues. (I really wanted to stay in the bathroom and find out what the mental issue was, but I had already been in the bathroom for 8 minutes and I didn’t want people from my office to judge me.)

     4) She’s going to give him one more chance. (Did they break up? Was it because of the mental issues? Did she find out he has 14 mistresses? I must have missed a conversation.)

     5) Things are getting better, but she’s not sure if they can make it work.

Perhaps I should mention that the majority of people in this building will either talk personal calls in the stairwell or in the lobby. Perhaps I should also mention that I’ve seen her tramping down the hallway in her stilettos, pounding furiously on her cell phone as she enters the bathroom. This means that she purposely calls her friend/roommate/sister/ mother/ aunt/gay best friend to chat while she’s urinating. I don’t know about you, but my tinkle time is private.

Because my life is boring, I’m coming up with nicknames for little miss talk and piss. (Little miss talk and piss is not one of the nicknames.) I’ve narrowed it down to three:

1) The toilet talker

2) The commode whisperer

3) The potty prattler

Which do you think is the best? I’m also open to suggestions.