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Let me tell you about my lunch break:

   About two weeks ago, my friend Amanda asked if she could borrow my cap and gown. I told her sure and to let me know when she needed it. Yesterday, she sent me a text, but I had no time to respond to it because of work and the Christmas play.  Because rehearsal ended at 9:30, I decided to sleep over my aunt and uncle’s house. This morning, I remembered Amanda’s text and responded. She said she needed the cap and gown by 3pm today. I was already at work, but it was no biggie: that’s what lunch breaks are for. Unfortunately, I live about 30 minutes away from my job so there’s no way I could go to and from my house in an hour. This is a situation in which having a parent is extremely useful. 

    Instead of going all the way home, which would take too much time, I asked my dad if he could meet me at the Racetrack gas station right off 95 at 12:30. I told him that the gown was in my brother’s closet and the cap was on the my book shelf. He asked me to call and remind him around 11 so he wouldn’t forget. I did so and he said cheerfully, “I’ve already got it in the car.” A gold star for you, kind sir.

    At 12 I sprinted out of work and drove to Racetrack. I got there around 12:20. I let Dad know I was there and he said he would get there at 12:30. At 12:35 he pulls up, parks, and hands me my HIGH SCHOOL cap and gown. Here’s my question: If you don’t know which cap and gown I need why didn’t you a) call me and find out which one I needed or b) take both with you? Also, you just saw me graduate from COLLEGE six months ago, why would you think that I needed the cap and gown from HIGH SCHOOL? One is black, the other is bright yellow. Seriously?

    It was now 12:40 and I had to race to the house to get the right cap and gown. There was absolutely no way I was going to make it back to work in 20 minutes, so I called and told them I would be about 10 minutes late. I did 70 mph down Northlake Blvd. and made it to the house in about 10 minutes. As I was racing out the door with the correct cap and gown in hand, my father looks at me and says, “Do you have time for lunch? I brought you some chicken.”

    No.

    No, I do not have time for lunch.

   As I’m pushing 80 mph on 95 I text Amanda to tell her to meet me at my building so I can hand her the accursed cap and gown. She tells me she’s in rehearsal for graduation and  her sister will pick it up. Fine. Sister texts me immediately after that and asks where she can meet me. I like her. It takes me forever to manuever through the parking garage and then I have to race down 7 flights of stairs to get back to the ground floor and find her sister. In my hand I’m holding  my iPod and a napkin that I used to wipe the sweat off my face, because of course today, when I’m appropriately dressed for the cold front that hit Florida, it’s 78 degrees. I see a garbage and decide to throw out my sweat sodden napkin. Guess what I actually ended up throwing in the garbage. 

    Yup.

    After fishing out my iPod from the trash, I finally find the sister. It’s 12:20. Sister realizes I’m in a rush and says, “Thank you” without making small talk. I like her. I decide to take the stairs up to the lobby and then take the elevator up to the 12th floor where my office is. This is of course the day when I run into my building’s resident creeper. He’s extremely creepy. He says “hello” like this: heeeelllllooooo. He does this while maintaining eye contact for too long.  Did I mention that the creeper watched me running in the gym the other day? For like 5 minutes. Nodding his head the whole time. I needed a rape shower afterwards.

   I didn’t get back to the office until 1:30.

    Fail.

    The Christmas play is tonight, but since it’s bad luck to say “good luck” on opening night, please pray that we all break our legs.

   Thank you.

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