This is what happens:
Me: (sigh, tosses and turns in bed for a few minutes) What did I have for breakfast this morning? We’re out of oatmeal so it couldn’t have been that. I should get some of those oatmeal squares from Publix this way I can eat breakfast in the car when I’m running late. Crap, I forgot to get gas on my way home. Ugh, I’m going to have to leave early to get gas tomorrow before work. This means I can’t straighten my hair in the morning, but if I don’t straighten it tomorrow then I’ll have to straighten it on Thursday which means I won’t be able to go to the gym. (sees Jim Carrey’s face in mind’s eye) I still don’t understand “The Number 23.”
Tosses and turns
Me: Is it really 2am? Nothing good happens after 2am. What show is that from? Gosh, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Tongue is a funny word. Tongue. Tongue. How I Met Your Mother! Barney Stinson! You are so smart, Barney! Did I respond to Ariel’s text?
Rolls over and checks phone.
Re-reads text messages.
Me: What did she mean by that? Was she being sarcastic or serious? If she was being serious then my reply makes absolutely no sense. If she was being sarcastic then I’m hysterical. And witty. I love me.
Tries to fall asleep.
Me: I should buy a Nook! I totally need a Nook! I did it all for the Nookie! Yeah! The Nookie! C’mon! So you could take that bookie! Stick it on your shelf! Stick it on your shelf! What ever happened to Limp Bizkit? No, ebooks are to literature as iPods are to vinyls. It’s not the same. Same. Same. Same. (Insert Aretha Franklin’s voice) Shame, shame ,shame! Shame of fools! Oh wait no that’s chain. Do I own that song? That’s a classic. I should really own it. I’ll buy it tomorrow and while I’m online I might as well price a Nook. I might as well compare it to the Kindle while I’m at it. They can’t be that expensive. I’ll be able to use it for so many things. I can probably download all of my books for grad school onto it this way I won’t have to carry some massive volume across campus. My back would start to hurt eventually and then I would have to go to a chiropractor and I really don’t like it when strange people touch me.
Checks the time.
Me: Ok, you’re going to fall asleep…now! Just roll over, Gyasi. Find a comfortable spot. (rolls onto awkwardly shaped object) Not there! What the heck is that? (digs object out from under comforter) How did my slipper get there? Where is my other slipper? I can’t believe I wore one slipper to bed. Why would I even wear slippers to bed? They’ve been all over the house and I think I got the mail in them once. Wearing your slipper to bed is probably how you get bedbugs.
Tosses and turns.
An hour passes
Me: How do you get bedbugs? I need to google that tomorrow. Ok, after iTunes and Nook/Kindle pricing I have to google bedbugs. Remember that. Bedbugs. Bedbugs. Bedbugs. Bedbugs. Bedbugs. Blue punch buggy no punch back! Briana was really good at that game. I should call her. Well, I can’t call her now it’s 4am. I am never going to be able to get up tomorrow.
Tries to find a comfortable position.
Me: Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You’re only a day away!
One hour later.
Me: Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You’re only a day away! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You’re only a day away! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You’re only a day away! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You’re only a day away! I HATE THAT SONG!!!!!