I contemplated physical violence against a blind man.
I’m not proud of this, but at the time I felt I was justified.
It all started on New Year’s Eve.
For those of you who have met my father aka He-Man, you probably know where I get my aversion to people from. He-Man likes people in small doses. When he’s not working, He-Man is either in the yard tending his palm trees or in his office on his computer. If he does venture among the living, he likes to surround himself with people who entertain him. With their ridiculous habits. Those of you literature-philes may liken him to Mr. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice.
It probably goes without saying that He-Man doesn’t have very many friends. This is why I was so surprised when he told me he had friends coming to visit on New Year’s Eve.
Me: You have friends?
He-Man: One of them is blind. Be nice.
Me: Stevie Wonder blind? Like with glasses and prodigious musical talent?
The friend and his wife came on New Year’s Eve and stayed through the weekend. It just so happened that I was really busy that weekend and didn’t spend much time at home. At breakfast my parents introduced me, we broke bread, and then I went about my day. They didn’t seem to mind the fact that I was awkward and taciturn because Chi-Chi kept everyone entertained. By Sunday my father’s friends were gone and I figured that was that.
It was not.
The following Saturday Chi-Chi told me that my father’s friends were coming back before they went home to Trinidad. I was given a stern talking to and informed and that I would not be allowed to be a sour-faced curmudgeon to our guests. I would be friendly and amiable. I would be…pleasant.
Possibly through a divine act of God, I was able to make conversation with them without exposing myself as a misanthrope. We did hit one snag in the conversation, when we discovered that while we were all Christians, they were much more saved than I am.
Me: How is this cold spell treating you guys?
Friend #2: Hallelujah! Praise the God of Abraham, Jacob, and Joseph! Amen Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! The God of Mary! The God of Hannah! Through the Lord who gives me strength we shall endure! Joy comes in the morning!
Me: (confused pause) Does that mean you’re cold? Would you like a blanket?
Somehow we managed to recover from this upset. Really, my mother came into the room and saved us all.
That night a wave of sick hit me, so I went to bed around 9:30. I don’t really have any sick time from work (I have to save all of my sick/personal/vacation time for my trip to Kenya) so I figured a good night’s sleep would help me feel better for work the next day. I’m still sure that a good night’s sleep would have made Monday morning tolerable.
It’s a shame I didn’t get one.
Around 4am, this is what I awoke to:
Voice in the hall: Lord Jesus! Father God! We praise you! We praise your holy name!
Me: (scared) WHAT?-Jesus!- what?!
It took me a few seconds to realize that it was my father’s blind friend praying in the living room. At first I thought, ‘Ok, he’s praying. Sounds like he’s wrapping up. He should be done in a few minutes.’ However as the minutes passed, I became increasingly violent.
4:15- Me: Wow, he’s still going.
4:30- Me: Dude, wrap it up already.
4:45- Me: C’mon, c’mon, amen already, c’mon.
4:47- Me: NO! Do not thank Jesus for that again!
4:50- Me: God, please let this man go to sleep. Please.
4:52- Me: Did he stop? Thank you, Jes-NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I was so close!
5:00- Me: (sobbing) I just want to sleep. Why? Why won’t he let me sleep?
5:10- Me: (angry) Even God isn’t up this early!
5:15- Me: Gyasi, you could totally throw something at him. He’s blind and it’s dark he’d never know.
5:16- Me: There’s a vase on the wall unit right next to him. If you’re really quiet you could knock him out and still get in a good 45 minutes of sleep before work.
5:18- Me: Nobody would ever know.
5:20- Me: Do it.
5:30- Me: Killing a blind man is a straight shot to Hell, isn’t it?
5:36- Me: They probably have a special circle in Hell for people who do stuff like that.
5:37- Me: You’d probably have to play soccer in the lake of fire with Hitler.
5:38- Me: Hitler and Stalin.
5:39- Me: And you would have to be naked because that would just add insult to injury.
5:42- Me: Yup, I’m going to have to play naked soccer with Hitler and Stalin in Hell.
5:45- Me: Nah, that’s only if you kill blind people and run over old ladies with monster trucks. If you only knock them unconscious, then you’d probably only have to referee naked soccer.
5:48- Me: Why am I still thinking about naked soccer?
5:55- Me: (singing) Joseph Stalin! Running down the field! Naked! Naked!
6:00- Alarm goes off
This is why I need Jesus.
If left to my own devices, I would assault blind men while they prayed.
Lord, help me.