As most of you know, I despise foolishness in all forms.
I have a low foolishness tolerance. Actually, I have a no foolishness tolerance. If you are foolish, we may not be friends. In fact, I will probably make you cry using only my words.
Being annoyed by foolishness is perhaps a family trait, because my brother and sister feel the same way I do about foolishness. This why we three are cantankerous, unsocial, and cruelly witty.
When we were younger, my sister and I decided that we would like to throw raw bacon at foolish people as a way to make them pay for their foolishness. This act would be preceded by us yelling, “BACON!!” at the offending party. My brother thought this was stupid and decided to instead use a large katana and karate chopping noises. Needless to say, he was pelted with bacon.
This past summer when we were both averse to meat, my sister and I decided that we would instead throw bunghole flavored gummy bears at offending foolish parties. Bunghole flavored gummy bears are much easier to find and more portable than bacon. You also get to partake of the delicious gummy bear flavors while you punish foolishness. For those of you who are not familiar, bunghole gummies are the lemon and orange flavors that come in every pack of gummy bears. They taste like bunghole.
Much like “BACON!!” we would shout “BUNGHOLE!!” at the foolish party. However, after getting into a fight with my sister through email, I’ve come up with a new idea: The Hap Slappy Machine.
The Hap Slappy machine is an assortment of different sized hands of varying degrees of hardness held together by a level and pulley system that will go all Shaka Zulu on your behind. At least this is how I described it to my sister. She wasn’t nearly as impressed by my genius as I was.
Here are a list of offenses that will most likely warrant a beat down from my Hap Slappy Machine:
1 ) Tailgating
2 ) Wearing black shoes with a brown belt.
3 ) Telling an unfunny racist joke (this is a trick because there is no such thing as a funny racist joke).
4 ) Farting in the elevator and pretending it wasn’t you when there are only two of us in there.
5 ) Neglecting to tell me that you used my car and I now have no gas.
6 ) Taking 12 hours to respond to a text message.
7 ) Waking me up at 3am with your response to my text.
8 ) Uttering the phrase “I’ll wait while you go change” when I’m standing before you dressed and ready to go.
9 ) Eating the last of the Phish Food ice cream.
10 ) Thinking neon extentions are classy.
To be fair, I would yell out, “Hap Slappy Power!” before my machine would go Shaka Zulu on your behind. You can’t attack the foolish without giving them ample notice. That would be cruel.
I feel as though I would need some kind of costume to go with my Hap Slappy machine. And it would have to involve lycra.
Oh the possibilities…