My brother and sister and I do not like our birthdays.

   My brother doesn’t like his birthday because he’s a Jehovah’s Witness and birthday bashing comes with the territory. So do suits and knocking on people’s doors in the afternoon.

   My sister and I do not like our birthdays because we hate “The Happy Birthday Song.”

   According to my sister:

   “…there is really nothing happy about people singing in a plethora of keys, with poor vowels, and idiotic sound effects. But apparently it is a damper on the celebration because Tom’s mom was very upset that I refused to let them sing last year. I really hate it.”

    Part of my hatred of the song comes from the fact Chi-Chi insists on adding a loud and obnoxious “Yoo Hoo!” at the end of every verse.

   This is how my birthday usually goes:

   Party Goers: Happy Birthday to you!

  Chi-Chi: Yoo hoo!

   Party Goers: Happy Birthday to you!

   Chi-Chi: Yoo hoo!

    Party Goers: Happy Birthday, dear Gyasi!

   Chi-Chi: HOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    Party Goers: Happy Birthday to you!

   Chi-Chi: Yoo Hoo!


   Party goers stand around awkwardly

   I refuse to sing “Happy Birthday” at other people’s parties, which usually means I have to stand in the back and smile like I’m so happy for them. Really I’m dying inside.

   The only time I enjoyed hearing “Happy Birthday” was a couple of years ago at my church.

    Because we’re a happy congregation and our Pastor loves to embarrass people, when it’s your birthday, we sing “Happy Birthday” to you. However, sometimes the plan to make the birthday boy or girl feel special and loved will occasionally backfire and make the intended target instead feel isolated and anonymous.

   This happened to my grandmother on her birthday.

    When the pastor announced that it was H.R. Happypants’ birthday (I don’t remember whose birthday it actually was) my uncle added that it was my grandmother’s too. Pastor then decided we should sing “Happy Birthday” to her as well.

    This is what happened:

   Congregation: Happy Birthday to you!

   Chi-Chi: Yoo Hoo!

   Congregation: Happy Birthday to you!

   Me: Mom! Not here!

   Congregation: Happy Birthday dear *mumble, mumble, mumble. Happy Birthday to you!

   Ariel, Katie, Rachel, and I: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

   Perhaps one of the key elements to a successful rendition of “Happy Birthday” is making sure every knows the name of the birthday boy or girl.

  As you can probably guess it wasn’t the happiest birthday for dear old G-Money Home Slice.