In matters of food it is very important to read the packaging very carefully.

   Otherwise you risk serious disappointment.

   I’m a bit of a chunk butt, so when it comes to food I’m especially persnickety. I critique every bite of food I consume. The other day at Panera I considered writing them a very angry letter because they changed the recipe of their chicken noodle soup. Their old recipe was a bowl of goodness and angel wings. The new recipe is a conglomeration of disappointment and STDs. Well, not STDs, but it’s awful. If anyone from Panera is reading this, please consider going back to your old recipe.

    Anyway, when it comes to food, you should read the packaging slowly and carefully so you know what you’re getting into. I failed to do this and I was sorely disappointed. Then I was flat-out angry and I wanted to sucker punch Godiva.

    My family received several gift baskets filled to the brim with sweets and savories. If I held the power in my household, we would have devoured those baskets as soon as they were gifted. What’s the sense in letting chocolate and crackers sit idle? Put those suckers to work.

    In my belly.

    However, I don’t hold the power in my household and so He-Man and his iron fist decided that the baskets should be saved for a special occasion. This was a serious blow to me because I had already started flirting with a box of chocolate covered pretzels from Godiva. Our eyes met across the room and it was love at first sight. (I was Romeo, they were the Scarlet Letter and my daddy said, “Stay away from Juliet!”  No! Not now Tay-tay Swift!) When He-Man said that I couldn’t open them, I think I actually heard the sound of my heart breaking. It could have also been my stomach rumbling, but who cares?

   I’m not proud to admit this, but I totally played He-Man and Chi-chi against each other so I could get the pretzels.

   The manipulation was swift and nobody really got hurt so I won’t relay the details.

   When Chi-chi acquiesced to me opening the gift basket, I tore the plastic off and pulled my Godiva chocolate covered pretzels out of the depths. Finally, we would be together. It was as if the planets aligned and the solution to every major world problem was in the palm of my hand. There would be peace in the Middle East. World hunger would be a thing of the past. All from the power of my pretzels.

   With trembling hands I slowly opened the gold box and out dropped…

   One massive chocolate covered pretzel.

   That’s right.

    Just one.

    The entire time I ogled and stared and obsessed over that box I failed to notice the lack of an “s” at the end of the word “pretzel”. I expected to be rolling in the glory of Godiva and sourdough and instead this is what I got:

    It totally wasn’t worth it.

    Tasted like broken dreams.