I’m one of those people who prefers not to cuss.

   I won’t lie and say that I never do because a well-timed stubbed toe can draw a strong (BEEP) from my mouth, but I take great care not to use four letters words. However, I’ve noticed that in my own vernacular, there are certain words and phrases that I’ll say when I’m angry, frustrated, livid, shocked,  incredulous, or some other emotion that would illicit a cuss word out of a normal person. I’ve dubbed these words “alterna-swears.”

    I thought the use of alterna-swears was limited to myself, but I’ve noticed that other people use them too. My sister tends to say “bumba rass!” when she’s unhappy. My brother says, “Son of a beep!” I also have a friend who says, “Frak!”

    Here’s my list of alterna-swears and how each can be used in a sentence:

   1 ) Piss monkey


    “John is acting like such a piss monkey today.”

   2 ) Oh piss


    “You’re going to have to work late tonight; John called out sick.”

    “Oh piss!”

   3 ) Blessed be the name


   (while walking in the dark your toe finds the edge of the doorframe)

   “Blessed be the name!”

   4 ) Mother a’ crap


   “I need this completed by 3.”

    “It’s 3:15.”

    “Mother a’ crap!”

   5 ) What the F?


    “That woman is wearing polka dotted booty shorts and a checkered tank top.”

    “What the f?”

   6 ) Fakaka


    “Blegh! This tastes like fakaka!”

   7 ) Bunghole


     “No, you bunghole! I told you not to wash the reds with the whites.”

   8 ) Butt rabbit


    “Some little butt rabbit parked in my parking spot today and then it rained so I got soaked.”

   As of right now I only have eight alterna-swears, but that’s probably eight too many.

    I really need to cut down on the alterna-swearing.