Dear Men Who Frequent My Gym,
How are you? The weather is looking much better lately, is it not? Even though my toes have been freezing for the last couple of weeks due to the drop in temperature and my refusal to buy more closed toed shoes, my hair has never looked better. The decrease in humidity has been doing wonders for my curls. Anyway, I know you probably aren’t getting any enjoyment from my idle chatter so I’ll proceed.
Now, I understand your situation completely, Men Who Frequent My Gym. I know you don’t mean to do the things you do. We can blame it on biology, social constructs, nature vs. nurture, and the like, but honestly Men Who Frequent My Gym, must you be so competitive? Must you grunt like a baboon in heat when you lift a ten pound weight? My niece weighs ten pounds and I don’t grunt every time I lift her. Actually, she’s the one that grunts, but that’s because she’s having a bowel movement. Therefore, unless your bowels are doing likewise, please keep quiet.
One other thing, must you increase the speed and incline on your treadmill when I do the same on mine? I’ve been running on and off for about a year now. It took time for me to work up to the speed and distance I’m doing now. You’re not fooling anyone. Just because you decide that you’re going to run 3 miles at 6.0 does not mean your body will comply. You may think you’re invisible to me considering the music on my iPod is turned up to full blast, but I can see you huffing and puffing like a beached whale gasping for life on a desolate shore. It’s ok to speed walk. Or just walk. I won’t judge you. That’s a lie, I will totally judge you, but at least you will retain a shred of dignity.
Some have suggested that perhaps your competitiveness is due to the fact that you’re trying to impress me. Not to toot my own horn, but I feel as though there may be some validity to this statement; afterall, I’m one of two women who goes to our gym on a regular basis. Unfortunately, Men Who Frequent My Gym, we’re on two different levels. I’m 22, while your median age is 40. I am flattered, but I don’t think it would work. Besides, have you honestly seen what I look like when I’m at the gym? C’mon Men, have some standards. Shower up and go to the bar down the street.
P.S. When the Nair commercial asks, “Who wears short shorts?” the answer is not “Men Who Frequent My Gym.” Put some pants on.