Dear New Woman at my Gym,

    You seem very nice. I appreciated your jovial greeting when I walked into the gym a few days ago. I also appreciate the fact that your personal trainer is as close to physical perfection as a man can get. My work out goes 1000x faster now that he’s in the gym on a regular basis. Kudos.

    The reason I’m writing to you, New Woman, is because I have a slight problem with your use of the changing room. Considering that about there are other people who use the changing room, I think it’s somewhat inconsiderate of you to use the handicap bathroom as your own personal boudoir. 

    You can imagine my shock and surprise when I walked into the handicap stall only to discover discarded articles of clothing. At first I thought that I had perhaps accidentally walked in on someone using the stall. I quickly apologized and hurried away to another stall. However, ten minutes later, when no one had emerged from the handicap stall, I took another look. Apparently you do not believe in storing your items in the lockers that are conveniently placed not two feet away from the lavatory.

   To be quite honest, New Woman, leaving your bra and other delicates lying around for anyone (me) to see is not very nice or modest. Perhaps our opinions differ on this point, because I’m careful to conceal my underwear from all eyes, even my own, but I believe the majority of society is on my side. Except Lady Gaga. And Madonna. Then again cone bras are hard to conceal from view.

    Though I am very appreciative of your personal trainer a.k.a the future father of my children, unfortunately, I can no longer tolerate seeing your underwear on such a regular basis. If you do not take care to hide your unmentionables from view I’m afraid that I will have to take drastic measures to do so for you. These measures include, but are not limited to, flushing your bra down the toilet, locking each article of clothing in a separate locker, putting your pants in the shower and turning it on full blast, and giving your clothes to the first homeless person I come across in the street.

    I hope you will take my words seriously, because I’m quite evil and have no qualms about engaging in juvenile behaviors to get my point across.

                   Thank you.

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