Toilet paper

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    My father isn’t usually a vindictive person.

   But I have to believe I pissed him off in order to justify what he did to me last week.

    My family is blessed with multiple bathrooms. This means that I don’t have to share a bathroom with my parents. When I get up in the morning, I can hop into the shower whenever I please. Every day I thank Jesus for my health, my family and friends, and my bathroom. I only have so many joys in life and being able to pick out my own shower curtains is one of them.

   The only downside to my bathroom is the location. It’s right next to the family room and the kitchen so whenever someone has to use the bathroom, they use mine. When we have dinner guests, it’s the community bathroom. Whenever my parents don’t feel like going to their room (which is half the house) they use my bathroom.

   My parents are really good about leaving my bathroom as they found it because I’m incredibly anal about my space. I may be a slob, but if you disturb my pigsty heaven help you. It will take divine intervention to save you from my wrath. I don’t care if you took my sweater off the floor because it was collecting dust, it was MY sweater and I wanted it on MY floor.

    This could another reason why I’m still single and living at home.

    Anyway, one morning I woke up, bleary eyed and cursing the world. I hadn’t slept well that night so when my alarm went off I didn’t wake up in my normal “Woohoo! It’s morning!” fashion. Yes, I’m a morning person. Sleeping until 8:30 is sleeping in for me. My friends hate sleeping over my house for that reason. When I manage to guilt them into staying over, they sleep in the guest room. And they lock the door.

    Even though I hit the snooze button about 50-60 times, I eventually had to get up because nature called and she was livid. I stumbled out of bed and felt my way down the hall to my bathroom. Hitting the light switch, I was blinded by the fluorescents, but still managed to make my way to the commode. Because nature’s call was greater than my need for sight, I didn’t wait for my eyes to adjust. I just sat down.

     And then I said, “AIIIIIIYYYYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

     He-Man had left the toilet seat up and my naked backside fell in.

    At that point I was wide awake because hitting cold water at 6am will kill any remnant of sleep residing in your eyes. I reached for the toilet paper to dry myself off, but there was none to be had. The roll was completely empty. There wasn’t even that one courtesy sheet that hangs onto the end of the roll. I hit the roll about five times in frustration and watched it spin like some kind of wheel of misfortune.

    At 6:01 am, I had to waddle across the house to get toilet paper.

   I don’t know what I did to annoy He-Man, but I hope it was something awful.