For the most part, I’m an intelligent person.

Of course I  have my dumb moments, but every full moon or so, I have my “I must be the person The Enlightenment missed” moments.

I have moments when I am so painfully dumb I can hardly walk and chew gum at the same time.

Last week I had one of those moments.

Recently, I’ve developed a craving for bbq sauce. It’s not just because I’m a brown girl and we really like sauce. Yes, I had to write that last sentence because anytime I bring up watermelon, kool-aid, chicken, or bbq sauce my white friends give me a look that says, “Way to live up to the stereotype.”

Bbq sauce is one of the stereotypes I indulge in.

Father, forgive me.

Anyway, to try to offset the heart attack that’s going to happen to me from eating so much sauce, I’ve been eating bbq sauce with high fiber bread. It’s as brown as an oak tree and tastes about the same. Only I think an oak tree wouldn’t taste nearly as tacky. Actually, the bread tastes more like a roofing tile that’s been sitting in the sun during a hot Floridian day in August. It is not tasty, but it’s good for my heart and fiber makes you feel full. Feeling full is good when you’re trying to lose weight. It keeps you from eating cookies.

Cookies are not good for you when you’re trying to lose weight.

Oh how I miss cookies.

Now that I’ve set the stage, I can tell you about the painfully stupid thing I did.

One afternoon, I was eating bbq sauce and bread for lunch when Bella starting staring at me with her big “look, I’m a starving puppy” eyes. I’m typically immune to these eyes, but for some odd reason, the eyes got to me that afternoon. Try as I might, I felt bad for the poor little shoe muncher. I gave her my last bite of bread and sauce.

Did you catch that?

Were you able to gather the parts of that equation?

High fiber bread + dog = BAD!

When I got back to the apartment that evening Bella was waiting by the door. The second the leash was attached to her collar she took off like a bullet train and didn’t look back. I didn’t think the dog had so much speed in her. She had to go so badly that I swear she was tapping her foot impatiently while we were waiting for the elevator. It took Bella a full five minutes to relieve herself outside.

I think the bread got one of my shoes out of her.