Then I wouldn’t have to carry her back to the apartment because she’s so constipated she can’t walk.

On Sunday afternoon I took Bella outside to do her business as usual. However, it was not business as usual. She squatted, looked confused, and then squatted again. She paced around for a few minutes, squatted, and then sat up. I thought she was done so I walked over to pick up her mess (I will never get used to that), but alas, there was no mess to dispose of. Bella was laying down on the ground at this moment, looking thoroughly upset. I’ve never seen a dog look so pitiful before in my life so I thought that maybe she had gotten something stuck in her paw or something bit her. I checked her legs and body, but there weren’t any scratches. I figured that maybe she’d been outside for too long (she’s a very hairy dog) so I started walking back to the apartment.

Bella wouldn’t follow.

I gave the leash a tug to indicate that it was time to go.

Bella gave me her “heck no” look.

At this point, I’m stumped.

It was 83 degrees outside so there was no way I was going to let her stay outside, lest I had to take a dog to the vet for heat stroke, so I picked her up and carried her back to the apartment on my hip.

That’s one good thing about having massive hips: dog balancing. (I saw a belly dancer balance a sword on her hip at an Indian restaurant once. I should learn how to do that. My hips are so wide I probably balance two swords on them. I could be a sword balancing ninja. If I ever got into a tough scrap in an dark ally, I could totally defend myself using my hip bones.)

FOCUS!

Anyway, the first thing I did when I got back to the apartment was send Julie a text that said, “Call me asap.” Thankfully she was able to call ten seconds later so I didn’t have to wait by the phone wondering what the heck I did to break her dog. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Something’s wrong with Bella. She won’t walk. She’s laying on the couch staring at me.

Julie: Is she whimpering or anything?

Me: No. We were outside when she laid down and wouldn’t get back up. I had to carry her upstairs.

Julie: (pause) She might have something stuck in her butt.

Me:…

Julie: That happens sometimes. It’s kind of gross, but you may have to pull it out of her butt.

Me:…

Julie: Why don’t you feed her some of your high fiber bread?

Me: In all seriousness, can I?

Julie: Yeah, go right ahead.

One slice of high fiber bread, some water, and Bella was back to her old self in 20 minutes.

Best.

Bread.

Ever!

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