A photo of an Emu who looks like he is having ...

Image via Wikipedia

There’s an emu lost in my neighborhood.

I saw a sign with the words “Lost Emu” and a phone number written in orange paint.

Don’t ask me how on earth you could lose a 6ft bird, but someone has and they’re looking for it.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I am now terrified to go outside.

Despite being quaint and country, my neighborhood is da hood for random creatures. People keep uppity goats, pigs with attitude, horses that will bust a cap, and dogs that give you the stank eye. I grew up in NY and I don’t do nature. Shrubberies are the most nature I can handle and even those scare me. Sometimes grasshoppers are in there and then they jump willy nilly all over you. After nearly five years in Florida I’ve just gotten used to the lizards that are as numerous as cockroaches in a crack den, but now that I know there’s an Emu running a go-go in my neighborhood I’m not leaving the house ever again.

I’ve already been chased by two dogs.

My delightful Saturday morning jog became a sweet baby Jesus sprint that day.

The only reason I got away from the dogs was because I hopped a fence.

Emus are much faster, bigger, and longer than dogs. They can run up to 31 mph and they have a stride of 9ft. What chance would I stand against the Godzilla of flightless birds? (Actually, ostriches are the Godzilla of flightless birds. Emus would probably be the King Ghidorah of flightless birds.) Even if I did find another fence to hop for safety, the emu could still reach over and peck my eyes out.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive two weeks in Kenya…