Because I’ve been eating apple chips before bed, I’ve been having crazy dreams.
Here’s crazy dream 2 of 3:
I was teaching baby Jesus how to swim in a pool filled with cottage cheese. How did I know he was baby Jesus? Because he looked like one of those figurines you see in nativity sets. He had a full head of coiffed hair, he was a wearing a loin cloth diaper/ bathing suit, and he had a halo.
(Can we talk about nativity baby Jesus for a moment? Why does nativity baby Jesus always look so plump, healthy, and somewhat toddler like? I know in real life he was closer to 3 when the wise men came, so maybe that’s why he looks so grown up, but then they put him in a diaper. Three-year-olds don’t wear diapers. At least the three-year-olds I’ve encountered haven’t. The manufacturers of nativity baby Jesus need to make their minds up. Either have baby Jesus or toddler Jesus. This baby/ toddler hybrid isn’t working for me. Newborns don’t look like toddlers, they look like raisins. Emmalyn and I have a touch of the white in us so we looked like golden raisins…ok, that may be a bit racist.)
At first, baby Jesus was doing really well. He was having a lot of fun splashing about in the cottage cheese. I was holding him under his arms so he could learn how to kick properly, but then I let go and Jesus was swimming all by himself! He was really excited and happy until suddenly Florence + the Machine’s “Dog Days are Over” started playing on the loud speaker. It startled him, his head slipped under the cottage cheese, and he started to cry. I swam over and tried to comfort him, when I thought, ‘Wait, that’s my ringtone. My phone is ringing!’
Even though I should have been happy that my swimming lesson hadn’t provoked tears from Jesus, I was still mad that my friend, Mikey, had decided to text me at 1am. He apologized profusely, but I still threatened his life.
Sorry, baby Jesus.