Cover of "Rambo (Widescreen Edition)"

Cover of Rambo (Widescreen Edition)

Every year the men in my church go to the Iron Sharpen Iron conference.

In order to advertise it, my church usually plays a promo video for it during the announcements.

This year the speaker said it would be a wonderful time of fellowship and masculine worship.

This caused my entire Sunday School group to giggle in unison.

Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, but what exactly does “masculine worship” involve? What exactly makes a worship service “masculine”? What makes it “feminine”? Do I attend “asexual” worship services? Gender neutral worship services? I could go on and on.

Since I’m a woman and would look a little out of place going to Iron Sharpens Iron, I decided to create a list of what makes a “masculine worship” service masculine.

1 ) Every instrument is electric

     And I mean every instrument. There will be no acoustic guitar. There will be electric guitar, electric bass, electric drums, electric keyboard, and electric tambourine. Everything on stage will be hooked up to an amp twice the size of the instrument attached.

2 ) Instead of pews, there are camo covered lazy boys.

     With detachable side tables for their mug of root beer and communion wine.

3 ) Sermons are called “battleplans.”

     And the pastor delivers them in the style of Rambo

4 ) Every service is ended with a laser show.

    Although I would totally ok if my church instituted that now…please?

5 ) Instead of raising hands in praise, they fist pump and head bang.

      Raising hands is for pansies.

6 ) The offering plate would be a deer’s head with its mouth opened.

      Or a shark. A hollowed out dinosaur bone would also work.

7 ) BBQ would be considered a burnt offering to the Lord

     They would bbq during the battleplans.

8 ) There would be a hand carved statue of Jesus giving satan a wedgie on the pulpit.

    It would be carved out of oak.

9 ) They would grind the bones of deer to make their communion bread.

      Don’t even ask me how they would make the wine.

10 ) Flatulence during the battleplans would be permissible.

          Because some men have no shame.

If the men in my church don’t run me out of town for making fun of them maybe I’ll come up with a “feminine” worship service list.