Toilet paper

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So, I’ll probably be uninvited from my friend, Kimi’s wedding for this one.

It’s a shame because I really like her.

Kimi is getting married on October 29th and last Saturday her friends threw a bridal shower. I went with my cousin, aunt, and my friend, Jenny. It was a tea party with beautiful decorations, tea pots that I coveted beyond all reason, and taco cheesecake.

Don’t ask what taco cheesecake is exactly. All you need to know is that it is a pie of awesome. There’s sour cream and jalapeno involved. I nearly wept with joy.

It also reminded me of Chi-chi’s assertion that we should have served chips and guacamole at my tea party, but I digress.

Anyway, Kimi’s friends planned out a few games to keep us entertained. Although I’m a fatty and was perfectly entertained by the food, they had the good sense to plan activities. One of those activities involved toilet paper. Each table was given a pack, told to pick a model, and then construct a wedding dress out of toilet paper. It went really well, we had a barrel of laughs, and then Kimi picked a winner.

Now, I won’t say that her NOT picking me had anything to do with what happened next.


I’m just stupid and don’t think things through.

Kimi’s friends asked us to help them clean up the toilet paper, so we hopped to. Jenny and I started gathering up rolls and remnants of toilet paper, and putting them in the trash. I picked up a couple of rolls and placed them on the table.

I did not realize that I placed them on top of a votive candle.

When I realized that the table was on fire, I should have yelled, “FIYAH!!!!”

What I did was ask, “Jenny, is that on fire?”

Thankfully, Jenny has more common sense and she quickly grabbed the toilet paper and tried to put it out. I came to my senses after a few seconds. To help her I decided to blow on the toilet paper.

Now, all of you know how to start a fire right?

Kindling + heat + air = flame

Apply that to our situation and you get: toilet paper + votive candle + idiot blowing onto the toilet paper = flame.

How in the heck did I get into grad school?

Another woman noticed our plight, grabbed the toilet paper out of our hands, and stifled the flames. God bless her. I know I’m probably gonna be on his bad side for a few days because Kimi’s bridal shower was held in a church.

I almost burned down a church.

I’m pretty sure that’s gonna earn me a slingshot to Hell.