It was day eighteen of my online dating adventure and I had not found one suitable match.
That’s a lie.
I had found people who were suitable for those without ridiculous standards and pipe dreams.
Remember the brief and all-consuming bout of depression that started this online dating shenanigan? Well, that brief and all-consuming bout was now sleeping on my couch like an unwelcome house guest scratching its crotch and eating my Dannon yogurt. I’ve very fond of Dannon yogurt so if you touch my yogurt, I will break your face. Other milk products I have no problems sharing, but the yogurt is off-limits.
This could be why I’m still single.
Anyway, I was getting pretty upset that certainlyspinster.com wasn’t working for me. I couldn’t get a date in the real world and now I was failing in the online one? That’s probably a signal that you should start buying cats, naming them “Mr. Muffinboots”, and calling them your babies. Although, I’ve decided to be crazy reptile lady instead of crazy cat lady even though I feel anything with scales should be a shoes.
Crazy cat lady has been done.
Crazy reptile lady? Well, that’s an entirely new frontier.
Since I had not been able to find someone in eighteen days of online dating and twenty-three years of life, I started to question myself. My inflated ego rapidly deflated and I started to think, “Maybe I am hideous and my personality is offensive…crap.”
Nursing a carton of Dannon strawberry yogurt by my lonesome, I started listening to my Miserable Girl mix.
My Miserable Girl mix never helps to alleviate my foul mood; it only exacerbates the thing until I’m singing Celine Dion’s “All By Myself” at the top of my lungs.
“DON’T WANNA BE ALL BY MYSELF!!!!!!! ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRREEE!!!!! DON’T WANNA LIVE BY MYSELF BY MYSELF ANYMORE!!!!!!!”
And then I start watching contemporary dance routines on youtube.
I stayed in my Miserable Girl mood for about two days before I got an email from certainlyspinster.com informing me that someone had sent me a message. Because I had been eating yogurt by the cowfull, I had to log on to my account from Chitty-chitty-bang-bang the iTouch to check it out. My ankles were swollen from all the dairy.
This message was from wgibson21 and it said, “I’m a great guy wit gud moral. Want to chat?”
To this message I replied, “BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Just one! Just one ‘gud’ moral, wgibson21? Can I pick which one? BAHAHAHA!!!”
Once again, I may be too judgmental for online dating.
But despite that I’m still awesome.
Lesson 4: Some dating sites know how to work reverse psychology.
Lesson 4a: Only indulge in Celine Dion when you’re happy.