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When I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to meet the love of my life on certainlyspinster.com, I started to have more fun on the thing.

Especially when I realized that it was blog fodder.

How could I NOT write about some of the stuff that happened on that site?

That would be shooting myself in the creative foot.

I actually began to look forward to my certainlyspinster.com emails because that meant that laughter would soon be had by all. Of course, I forwarded the emails to a few people. People like Rachel, Ariel, Tesia, Joanna, Kira, Meredith, Kenley and Kelly may have gotten one, and possibly EB. Really I sent them to just a few of my nearest and dearest.

It’s not like I’m a gossip or anything.

Anyway, here’s another sampling of the wonderful (ahem) men I encountered on certainlyspinster.com.

Me: Ok, certainlyspinster, who have you to offer me today?

Certainlyspinster.com: We found a new match for you! Spedsaidfred183 is 23 years old and lives in Boynton Beach, Florida. You never know, Spedsaidfred could make your heart go on!

Me: Certainlyspinster, can we talk about the movie clichés? I feel like you could do better. Can I write for you? I’m well-educated, I could throw down some Shakespeare and Browning. I’m a Nietzsche Ninja!

(ten minutes later)

Me: Note to self: copyright “Nietzsche Ninja.”

Spedsaidfred183’s profile: “Normally, I’m a really fun and outgoing guy who loves kayaking, mountain climbing, and soccer.”

Me: Wow, he sounds really fun – wait, what does he mean by “normally”?

Spedsaidfred181’s profile: “I’m going through a really difficult time right now in my personal life. I just got out of a five-year relationship with a woman I really thought I was going to marry.”

Me: Please, Jesus, give me the strength to stop reading this…

Spedsaidfred183’s profile: “We broke up about six months ago and my friends think it’s time I started dating again, but I’m not really sure if I’m even into that scene anymore. I thought this might be a good way to get my toes wet without diving in and breaking my neck at a bottom.”

Me: Well, that’s a pretty picture.

Spedsaidfred183’s profile: “Message me if you’re not looking for something too serious because I’m tapped out and don’t know how much I have left in my heart to give.”

Me: Sweetie, you need a cookie and snuggie. Normally, I don’t advocate the use of snuggies, but you, my friend, could use a snuggie.

Lesson 7: Dating sites are not live journals; don’t play Tickle Me Emo when you write your profile.