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Dove Promises

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One thing I failed to mention during my online dating series is that I definitely lost my ever-loving mind at one point.

I often misplace my ever-loving mind, but this night in particular was a doozy.

A number of factors were at play that evening; I had papers due, I was suffering from writer’s block, and my eye kept twitching. Add to this powder keg of crap a fuse attached to facebook and you’ve got yourself a grade A explosion of irrational female proportions.

Certainlyspinster.com had sent me ANOTHER sucktastic “match.”

Then, I logged onto facebook to discover that four people had changed their relationship statuses from “single” to “in a relationship.”

I alternaswore twelve times, slammed Toshi the laptop shut, and stalked off into my kitchen for chocolate. Dove is a staple in my freezer. Actually, Dove is the shield between my family and my pissed mist. When I’m unhappy the world MUST suffer. This is a law of the universe. Even though He-Man doesn’t like it when I eat so many sweets, he makes allowances for Dove dark chocolate.

For those of you (men) that have never eaten a piece of Dove chocolate, you should know that Dove puts little inspirational messages inside the wrappers. They say things like, “You’re only human” or “Life is beautiful.” They’re never profound; they just help you get through the day.

Well, this time I was in no mood for Dove brand comfort.

I was still stalking through my pissed mist as I opened my first piece of chocolate and read, “Be the first to hit the dance floor.”

Since my family was lost in the pissed mist, I could only lash out at the chocolate, so I yelled, “ALONE?! Because I have no one! Thanks for reminding me of that, Dove!”

I swallowed that piece of chocolate whole and unwrapped another to read, “Take a deep breath & exhale.”

“Screw you! Why is there no one else to yell at?”

I gnawed through that piece and then opened up my final chocolate: “Take a deep breath & exhale.”

“It’s just so hard, Dove…”

Only Dove knows how to break through my intolerable mood swings and comfort me.

I definitely cried while eating my last piece of chocolate.

I feel like that only happens in movies.