Normally, I prefer a grand old Jet Li film to anything starring Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Aniston, but when the Christmas season rolls around, I become an ABC Family fiend.
I love me some 25 Days of Christmas.
In fact, I have their schedule taped to my mirror.
This is how I knew that Holiday in Handcuffs and Twelve Dates of Christmas were airing on Sunday, December 11th. Feel free to take a moment to judge me because I was judging me when I called my cousin, Rachel, and said, “We have to watch these and we have to eat something unhealthy when we do.”
She replied, “You’re right and we should invite people.”
Last Sunday about nine girls crowded into my house and feasted on pizza rolls, tacos, sugar cookies, and ginger ale. Twas a marvelous night mostly because it’s been a long time since I’ve had girl time of any sort. I’m kind of a tomboy, hence my love of Jet Li and Chuck Norris (then again everybody loves Chuck Norris), but occasionally, I moonlight as a full-fledged female from a cheesy woman’s magazine.
In other words I eat copious amounts of sugar and watch cheesy chick flicks.
While we were watching the movies, my friends and I noticed common strategies that the women employ to get the men to fall in love with them. And so, dear reader, I present this list of things you must do during the holidays to get a guy to fall in love with you:
12 ) Be desperate
At the beginning of 12 Dates of Christmas, Amy Smart was desperately hotfooting it after her ex-boyfriend even though he was about to propose to his new girlfriend. She continued to hot-foot after him until the last half hour of the film.
11 ) Have a hidden talent
Mine would be knitting. I make a mean baby blanket
10 ) Be high maintenance and anxious
Amy Smart in 12 Dates of Christmas was the former and Melissa Joan Hart in Holiday in Handcuffs was the latter and they ended up with Zach Morris and A.C. Slater from Saved By The Bell. I’ve got the anxious part down, so I guess I need to be more high maintenance.
9 ) Overreact
Take one harmless sentence and pretend like the world is ending. That man will be putty in your hands.
8 ) Walk into the bathroom while he’s dressing and don’t leave
My normal reaction when I accidentally walk in on someone is to say, “Sorry!” and then quickly shut the door. Melissa Joan Hart’s is to say, “Sorry…,” linger, and then explain why she was coming into the bathroom. That’s why she got A.C. Slater and I’m going to be crazy reptile lady when I get older.
7 ) Dance in your apartment
Do my light switch raves count?
6 ) Invade his life in some way, shape, or form
And when I say invade, I mean 14th century conquistador type invading. For example, Amy Smart invited the troubled boys Zach Morris’ worked with to her parents’ house even though she had never met them before. That’s love right there.
5 ) Decorating a tree (after making him carry it up five flights of stairs) is the quickest way to a man’s heart.
Although, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t work in real life (any man with any sense of self-respect would never call you after you made him carry your Christmas tree up stairs) it’s worth a try.
4 ) Smell like honey
That’s too sticky for my liking. Could I just carry it in my purse and squirt people with it?
3 ) Don’t be above committing a felony to get your man
A.C. Slater fell in love with Melissa Joan Hart even after she kidnapped him and held him captive for a week. Perhaps if I hit a guy with my car and then leave the scene of the crime, he’ll find me and propose! That would be the greatest ABC Family movie ever: Hit and Runaway Bride!
2 ) Become a gourmet cook in two hours
Amy Smart claimed that she had never cooked in her life, yet she then made an entire gingerbread house from scratch two scenes later.
1 ) Ice Skate
Amy Smart miraculously learned how to ice skate after she fell into Zach Morris’ arms. Melissa Joan Hart did a perfect pirouette after not ice skating for ten years. I need to start taking lessons YESTERDAY.
Btw, I’m totally making Hit and Runaway Bride happen.