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I knew the day would have to come.

I could feel it’s ominous presence lurking around every corner.

Finally, I could avoid it no longer.

I had to buy new pants.

For the last 2-3 months, I’ve been avoiding the Gap, Old Navy, and Banana Republic like they were the bringers of doom. As you all know, I’ve been trying to lose my post-grad weight and (if I may pat myself on the back) I’ve been doing quite well. I’ve lost fifteen pounds and managed to keep most of it off during the holidays. There was a slip up with some pie and yeast rolls, but I quickly got back on track. Literally. I ran 14 miles in 2 days. That weight was NOT going to saty on for long.

Paranoid, you say?

Yes, yes I am.

Anyway, as the weight came off my pants started to fit better. Until they didn’t. And even belts weren’t helping to keep them up. I looked like I was wearing a burlap sack fashioned into pantaloons. Even my skinny pants were too big. You would like that this would be a wonderful problem to have, but it’s actually a sucktacular problem when you’re a broke grad student who just invested $150 on dress pants when the year began. Buying new pants seems like sacrilege.

You want to look decent, but you think “Well, I’m going to need gas money” or “Huh, I kind of like talking on the phone” or “Eating would be nice” and so your appearance falls by the wayside.

Then Christmas comes.

And people give you money you didn’t have to earn.

God bless us, everyone.

Two days after Christmas I gathered up my Christmas money and headed to the Gap. They were having a 40% off sale and I love a good sale. I scoured the clearance rack and found a decent pair of pinstriped trousers and black skinny dress pants. Yes, they make black skinny dress pants. That’s why I shop at the Gap. Judge me al you want, but if loving skinny dress pants is wrong I don’t want to be right.

Because I wasn’t sure what size I was, I took in several sizes so I could find out. First, I tried on a size 8. I looked like a Vienna sausage. Fair enough, I wasn’t really expecting to fit those. Then I tried on a size 12. They were too big. Not horrendously big, but they gave me a saggy butt. I have done too many squats to look like I have a saggy butt. That just won’t do.

I figured size 8 was too small and the 12 was too big, the 10 would be just right. I followed my Goldilocks logic and tried on the 10. They fit! Sort of. The waist fit perfectly, the inseam was great, and the hem was the right length, but my thighs looked as though they were holding their breath. Your thighs should never look like that in pants.

I feel as though I’m the only person on earth who would lose weight only to land smack dab in the middle of two sizes.

And I’m still not sure which is the lesser of two evils: saggy butt of asphyxiating thighs.