The first race I ever ran was the Palm Beach Turkey Trot.
It was a 5k run, which is only 3 miles give or take.
As I passed the finish line a girl ran by me, rushed to the side of the road, and threw up.
That’s what happens when you eat breakfast before a race.
However, when you run long distances, you have to eat or you’ll end being driven across the finish line by an ambulance. This is not to say that along the race course they hand out sandwiches or toss dried fruit at you like Mardi Gras beads. No. When you run long distances, like the Disney Princess half-marathon, you have two options: Clif shot bloks or Gu.
And you do not want the Gu.
My friend, Devon, eats half-marathons like their tic-tacs and she warned me about the Gu.
Devon: Don’t eat the Gu. You’ll hate it.
Me: What’s wrong with the Gu?
Since Devon eats half-marathons like their tic-tacs, she brought me two packs of Clif shot bloks. Shot bloks are basically carbs in gummy form. They’re filled with brown rice, green tea, cane juice, and some other crap that gives you energy. When you’re running, you’re supposed to eat a couple to keep you going.
Don’t ask me why, but for some reason I felt generous and gave my sister one of my shot bloks. We stuffed them in our bras for safe keeping and during the run we occasionally popped a shot blok and kept on truckin’.
However, my sister started eating her shot bloks before the race, so she ran out before the end of the race. This meant I had to share my shot bloks with her around mile 9. This meant that at mile 10 I was hungry and close to bludgeoning a pixie and roasting him over an open fire. Yes, running 13.1 miles turns me into a cannibal.
Deal with it.
By mile 10 the Disney volunteers started handing out Poweraid and Gu.
I saw the Gu in the distance.
I remembered Devon telling me not to eat the Gu.
I really didn’t want to eat the Gu.
But I was hungry and bbq pixie was starting to look like a viable option.
So I took the Gu.
My reaction to the Gu went something like this:
Me: OH GOOD LORD! Sweet baby Jesus! What on ear- bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! EW! Water! Where’s the water?! This tastes like poison! Why does this taste like poison! Chocolate flavored?! Are you kidding me! This is what shattered dreams taste like! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah!
What makes it even worse is that Disney takes pictures of you during the race.
Afterwards they send you a link to your pictures.
I’m pretty sure there are pictures of me spitting out the Gu.
Don’t eat the Gu.