When you run long distances, it is very important that you lubricate every fiber of your being.
Otherwise, you will chafe.
And I don’t mean “chafe” like “ouchie, that smarts.”
I mean chafe like “FIYAHHHHHH!!! SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! WHY DOES IT BURN?!”
I did not know this before I ran the Disney Princess Half-Marathon.
Yes, I had chafed before, but it was always the former kind of chafe. It was always the kind of chafe that quickly scabbed over and stopped hurting.
When I ran the Disney Princess Half-Marathon, I got the FIYAHHHHH kind of chafe. What made it worse was that I saw it happening and couldn’t do anything to stop it. What made it even worse than that was that I chafed in places I didn’t even know could chafe.
I didn’t even know I had skin in those places until it had been rubbed raw by friction.
Around mile 10 I realized that I had chafed under my arm. The armband holding my iPod had started to rub the skin off without me noticing. Mile 10 is when I started to sweat under my eyelids, so I was soaked. The sweat dripped into everything and that was when I felt the sting and realized I had chafed. Unfortunately, I still had 3 more miles to go. All I could do while running was readjust the armband and hope for the best.
After the run, when Kira and I went back to our hotel, I gingerly pulled off my clothes so I wouldn’t make the chafing worse. I let the chafe air itself for a minute or two before I delicately lowered myself into the bath.
That was when I discovered all the other places I had chafed.
I wish I could tell you that all I had said was, “My, my that certainly stings,” but I’m pretty sure I lost my Christianity in the shower that day.
I’m also pretty sure I was cussing in Japanese at one point.
I won’t tell you all the places I chafed because I still have some dignity (yeah, right), but I will tell you that I chafed in places that only God knows I have.
Next time, I’m running in a tube of petroleum jelly.