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Do you kids of the 90’s remember All That?

Do you remember the super hero that Kenan Thompson played?

Do you remember his weakness?

Lactose intolerance.

Lactose intolerance is when your body is unable to digest lactose, the sugar found in milk, cheese, yogurt, and a variety of other dairy products. There are three types of lactose intolerance: primary, secondary, and congenital. Primary lactose intolerance is genetic, fairly common, and only affects adults. This means that a child who has been able to drink milk, eat ice cream, and have grilled cheese sandwiches without any adverse side effects could become an adult who experiences several adverse side effects when she put sour cream on a quesadilla.

My body has recently become lactose intolerant.

This means two things: 1) My body is intolerant of dairy and 2) I have become completely intolerable because I CAN NO LONGER EAT DAIRY!!!!!

I cannot express how angry I am at life.

Even though it’s fairly certain that I’m lactose intolerant, I still want a second, third, fourth, and fifth opinion.

Do you understand how empty my life will be without cheese?

As a child I could drink an entire gallon of milk on my own! That probably accounts for why I was a rather portly youth, but I was happy and fat. Now I’m slim and angry.

Now that I can no longer eat dairy, I’ve discovered just how much dairy I consume on a regular basis.

What I used to eat for breakfast:

1 egg scrambled with cheese and 2 pieces of turkey bacon or 1/2 cup of oatmeal with milk, brown sugar, and cinnamon.

What I eat for breakfast now:

Raisin bran with soy milk

What I used to eat for lunch:

Greek yogurt with almonds and cranberries, an apple, and a smoothie or lean cuisine 5 cheese rigatoni.

What I eat for lunch now:

Salad… or 5 cheese rigatoni with a Lactaid, pepto bismol, and tums chaser (there are some things I just won’t give up).

What I used to eat for dinner:

Chicken with parmesan quinoa or grilled cheese.

What I eat for dinner now:

Chicken…just chicken.

Apparently my life revolved around dairy.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve started weeding dairy out of my diet, but I’m still very much in denial about the lactose intolerance thing. I know I’m in denial because the other day I ate half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream for dinner. When I woke up the next morning I felt like my small intestines were trying to claw their way out of my body. I was pretty sure they were going to burst out of my body like the baby alien from Alien…except they would then try to strangle me for eating so much dairy.

After that they would probably take some pepto and rest on the couch.

Possibly make themselves a ham sandwich.

Even though I don’t eat ham.

Sorry, where was I?

My friend, Joanna, who has a milk allergy, has been a huge help throughout this whole endeavor because while I can spot the obvious milk products, I always miss the subtle ones.

And then I get angry.

For example:

Me: I don’t think I’m lactose intolerant. All I had for breakfast this morning was a bagel and I still feel sick. It must be something else.

Joanna: What did you put on the bagel?

Me: Butter. I avoided the cream cheese even though I wanted it.

Joanna: Gyasi, where does butter come from?

Me:…the store?

Joanna: Wow, really? Butter comes from milk fat, Gyasi.

Me: Crap.

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