When I finished the Disney Princess Half-Marathon I figured it would be a while before I ran another race.
Alas, that was not to be.
My sister called me about a month ago and said, “We should run the Shelter Island 10K together.”
To which I replied, “Screw you.”
In Kira’s universe “Screw you” means “My, my, my! That sounds perfectly lovely! Do sign us up right away!”
So I started training for a 10K.
I started training for a 10K in the middle of summer in South Florida.
I have been one angry monkey for the last month.
Even though a 10K is only 6.2 miles, about half the length of a half-marathon, I had gotten into a 2-3 mile running streak. I would do 4 if the weather wasn’t terrible, but since I didn’t have anything to train for, and the Florida skies are capricious, I wouldn’t feel badly if I went 3 days without a run. Once I went a whole week and felt nary a care in the world. Despite the fact that I love running, when it’s raining outside, I love sitting even more.
I grow especially fond of sitting when it’s 87 degrees outside.
On my personal “Levels of Suckitude” chart, training for a 10K in the middle of summer is a well-established ten. Florida summers are not nice by any stretch of the imagination. They are hot, muggy, and unpleasant. When you’re not sweating off layers of skin you’re drenched to the bone with rain. Nothing else on my “Levels of Suckitude” chart compares with training for a 10K in the summer. Take a look:
Level 1- Getting a hangnail on your big toe.
Level 2- Your roommate leaving a dribble of milk in the container.
Level 3- Emmalyn farting on you in her sleep.
Level 4- Standing in line in front of someone with no sense of personal space.
Level 5- Breaking a heel while walking up a flight of stairs.
Level 6- Having the crotch of your pants rip open while doing crunches at the gym.
Level 7- Realizing five licks too late that you’re allergic to the main ingredient in your popsicle.
Level 8- Being stood up on a date.
Level 9- Not being able to find the source of the draft in your house.
Level 10- Training for a 10K in the middle of a South Florida summer.
Since I am an Olympic gold medalist complainer, let me exercise my skills and tell you how much it sucks to train for a 10K in the summer.
Imagine that every Monday-Friday you have to wake up between 5:30-6am in order to get to work on time. Sundays you have to wake up by 7:30am in order to make it to church. Saturday is the only day you get to lounge in bed. On Saturday you get to wake up whenever you want, stay in bed and read for an hour or so if you choose, and then slowly roll out of bed and start your day.
When you have to train for a 10K, this is what your Saturday looks like:
6:30am- Wake up
6:32am- Stop feeling sorry for yourself
6:37am Get dressed
6:37am- Drink aloe vera juice mixed with pomegranate for energy
6:37:08am- Gag on aloe vera juice mixed with pomegranate
6:37:10am- Curse Chi-chi and her cockamamie schemes
6:38am- Warm up
6:45am- Start running
Do you know who’s awake at 6:45am on a Saturday? Me and crickets. No one else. When I run at 6:45 on a Saturday there are no cars out on the road. The dogs in the yards I pass aren’t awake. They bark at me because I’ve ruined their sleeping in day. Even the birds in the trees aren’t up yet. Running at the crack of dawn on a Saturday is the most depressing thing you will ever experience. Unfortunately, you have to run at that time during the summer. If you run once the sun is in full sun mode then you will have to be scrapped off the sidewalk about 5 minutes into your run.
Because you will melt.
Or spontaneously combust.
Either way you’re gonna die.
I’m not saying that it’s impossible to run in such humid heat. It’s entirely possible for people who are not me. However, I am me; therefore, it is impossible. As it is, I had to do my long runs on Saturdays because I didn’t get out of work in time during the week to run more than 3 miles. Every Friday night I would go to bed and start prepping myself for a 6-7 mile run.
Every night I went to bed angry.
Sometimes I like to pray during my runs, but I couldn’t while I was training because the first time I tried my prayer came out something like this:
“Dear Lord, thank you for this blistering hot Saturday morning. Thank you for the birds that are sleeping in the trees and the mosquitoes that have not yet come out because it’s 6 o’clock in the morning. On a Saturday. Thank you for my quad muscles that are in the process of cramping and that squashed frog carcass that I didn’t see in time. I love scraping amphibians off my shoe. Thank you for that lovely storm cloud looming in the distance which I will most likely encounter. Thank you for the rain that will soak me to the bone and then go away in five minutes. Florida is a blessed place, is it not, Lord? Thank you for Florida!”
That kind of sarcastic praying will earn you a one way slingshot to Hades.